Sometimes I envy the dead

A poem about grief

Image: Vicki Schofield via Unsplash

CONTENT WARNING: this piece contains themes of grief, addiction, and self-harm. To those who are struggling with loss: If you ever need to talk, I’m always here.

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How am I supposed to do this
without you here?
The stars don’t shine anymore
because my universe is gone.
The sun rises for most,
But me? I’m just a living ghost.

It doesn’t make any GODDAMN sense! 
One day you’re here,
the next, you’re not. 
My house of cards is a wreck. 
You were my entire deck. 

You know, sometimes I envy them. 
The ones who are gone. 
They don’t have to stay 
and watch the world spin. 
Watch them all go on their way.
As if an entire world didn’t just end the other day. 

And sure, I’ll put on a brave face.
Not like I’ve got a choice. 
What’s the alternative? 
Follow you into the dark? 
Snuff out my spark?

First comes denial, 
Then depression, 
a smidge of acceptance, 
and then the anger. 
Sneaking up on me. 
The order is hard to see.  

Honestly? 
Fuck you. 
Yeah, you heard me. 
FUCK. YOU. 
For leaving my heart black and blue. 

You always said no one would notice. 
Well guess what? I DID. 
You had it all backwards. 
I don’t know who I am without you. 
Makes me want to prove you wrong. 
Pull a vanishing act to our favorite song. 

I don’t care that it’s not your fault. 
I have to be angry at someone.
This RAGE has to go somewhere. 
Why not you? 
Because I’m sure as HELL that God
isn’t listening to this poor sod.  

I’m just tired. 
I’ve been tired since I was born. 
Endless sleep sounds so nice. 
A return to nothing, not with a roar,
because without you, my wings don’t soar. 

I honestly wish we’d never met. 
I could have avoided all this. 
Replaced grief with loneliness.
I should have known how this would end. 
With me all alone, staring down the barrel of a bottle.   
One hand on the wheel, the other on the throttle. 

If the cost of love is death, 
Then I’d just soon not love at all. 
Spare myself all this suffering. 
Shaking, crying, covered in sweat. 
I never asked for this crushing debt. 

And yet, love found me.  
Maybe I never had a choice. 
After all, flowers blossom in ashes. 
Life finds a way. 
Does it always rot into grief? 
You leave, and take my heart like a thief? 

Wherever you are now, 
I wish you all the best.
I hope I see you again some day.  
You being truly gone is my greatest fear. 
I refuse to believe you would just leave me here. 

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Thanks for Reading. Here’s Your Musical Pairing

Check out the song that inspired this piece.