That was a very interesting world you created here, Bradley! And a very cool and scary situation, haunting at the end. I could imagine everything vividly, including the sounds.
This is a really interesting piece. I love the the world building and the anticipation you created for the reader, it really sucked me in. I love dystopian vibes and the idea of the burnout. Do you have more written from this story yet? I’d love to keep reading!
Hi Hannah, thank you so much for checking it out! I like to experiment with different worlds and genres in my short fiction like this. I haven't come back to this world yet, but you're the second person to ask me about doing more here, so I believe I will!
In the meantime, if I may, I'd recommend my series I just wrapped up here on Substack called "Her Voice." It also has what I think is a unique world and premise. It has five chapters as well, with the fifth being a choose your own adventure that has four possible endings!
Excellent! Looking forward to your thoughts. I have another standalone choose your own adventure going live here soon as well. I published it on another platform and people really enjoyed it, so I'm going to do a version of it here on Substack as well to increase the potential audience. Stay tuned!
Thank you so much for checking it out, Stephanie! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I've been publishing for years on a website called Vocal, but I just recently started here on Substack.
I'll be publishing a lot more of my work here, and like this piece, I'll be expanding and reworking old stories to make these versions even better! Looking forward to hearing what you think. 😁
For sure! I'm always weary because I know some people may take feedback as negative no matter how I say it. Never want to do that, just help fellow writers get better.
One of the things that stood out as when the burnout took over the protagonist. It felt too controlled. If that makes sense. It would of been cool to do like almost mashing things together. Like she enters her house, she smells the alcohol. This immediately flashes a vision of her gruesomly attacking him. So like interface her normal actions with the actions that the burnout want. Then maybe it just goes black in the bathroom. She wakes up in the doctors and you hear second hand what she did. That is a big personal take on it. Not that you did it wrong. Just took me out of if a bit since it's in first person I wanted to feel the chaos.
Some of the worldbuilding being explained from the protagonist was another thing I felt slowed the pace. I live by a rule that I do very little to explain the world. I state it almost as just fact. Leaving context clues rather than fully explaining bits. Again. Just my way of looking at how to go about it.
But I really liked it overall. It was super dope and would be interested in further stories set in this kinda dystopia. Keep it up homie.
Also I'm terrible at organizing my thoughts for feedback so I apologize if it doesn't make sense haha.
All good; thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts! Your feedback makes a lot of sense, especially the part about making the Burnout feel more chaotic and out of control.
The wordbuilding comment is also very valid. I feel like the stories I've done since this one are better about not outright explaining the world, but it's still a balance I try to get right with every piece I produce.
I'm big on the "show, don't tell" approach to exposition. I'd love to get your thoughts on a more recent piece of mine, where I focused on organic worldbuilding.
It's over on Vocal, but I'll publish it here soon on Substack as well. Since it's kind of long, it will be another three-part series. It's called "STALEMATE."
Thanks for checking it out, Spencer! This was an old piece of mine that I revamped for Substack (including a new ending, it originally ended with the line "hello again, old friend.).
Feel free to share your thoughts! I'm always open to feedback, it's how we improve as writers.
That was a very interesting world you created here, Bradley! And a very cool and scary situation, haunting at the end. I could imagine everything vividly, including the sounds.
This is a really interesting piece. I love the the world building and the anticipation you created for the reader, it really sucked me in. I love dystopian vibes and the idea of the burnout. Do you have more written from this story yet? I’d love to keep reading!
Hi Hannah, thank you so much for checking it out! I like to experiment with different worlds and genres in my short fiction like this. I haven't come back to this world yet, but you're the second person to ask me about doing more here, so I believe I will!
In the meantime, if I may, I'd recommend my series I just wrapped up here on Substack called "Her Voice." It also has what I think is a unique world and premise. It has five chapters as well, with the fifth being a choose your own adventure that has four possible endings!
Sounds awesome, I will definitely check that out! Choose your own adventure is such a cool idea! I love that.
Excellent! Looking forward to your thoughts. I have another standalone choose your own adventure going live here soon as well. I published it on another platform and people really enjoyed it, so I'm going to do a version of it here on Substack as well to increase the potential audience. Stay tuned!
Really drawn into this piece!! Love that you weren’t afraid to go somewhere dark! Will be checking out more of your stuff when I’m not at work!!
Thank you so much for checking it out, Stephanie! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I've been publishing for years on a website called Vocal, but I just recently started here on Substack.
I'll be publishing a lot more of my work here, and like this piece, I'll be expanding and reworking old stories to make these versions even better! Looking forward to hearing what you think. 😁
For sure! I'm always weary because I know some people may take feedback as negative no matter how I say it. Never want to do that, just help fellow writers get better.
One of the things that stood out as when the burnout took over the protagonist. It felt too controlled. If that makes sense. It would of been cool to do like almost mashing things together. Like she enters her house, she smells the alcohol. This immediately flashes a vision of her gruesomly attacking him. So like interface her normal actions with the actions that the burnout want. Then maybe it just goes black in the bathroom. She wakes up in the doctors and you hear second hand what she did. That is a big personal take on it. Not that you did it wrong. Just took me out of if a bit since it's in first person I wanted to feel the chaos.
Some of the worldbuilding being explained from the protagonist was another thing I felt slowed the pace. I live by a rule that I do very little to explain the world. I state it almost as just fact. Leaving context clues rather than fully explaining bits. Again. Just my way of looking at how to go about it.
But I really liked it overall. It was super dope and would be interested in further stories set in this kinda dystopia. Keep it up homie.
Also I'm terrible at organizing my thoughts for feedback so I apologize if it doesn't make sense haha.
All good; thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts! Your feedback makes a lot of sense, especially the part about making the Burnout feel more chaotic and out of control.
The wordbuilding comment is also very valid. I feel like the stories I've done since this one are better about not outright explaining the world, but it's still a balance I try to get right with every piece I produce.
I'm big on the "show, don't tell" approach to exposition. I'd love to get your thoughts on a more recent piece of mine, where I focused on organic worldbuilding.
It's over on Vocal, but I'll publish it here soon on Substack as well. Since it's kind of long, it will be another three-part series. It's called "STALEMATE."
Really great feedback here, thank you again!
This was a cool piece. Got some thoughts on it. Just my opinion on the story contents as well as the structure. But that would just be me yappin.
I liked the dystopian setting a lot for this. And the idea of the burnout was dope.
Thanks for checking it out, Spencer! This was an old piece of mine that I revamped for Substack (including a new ending, it originally ended with the line "hello again, old friend.).
Feel free to share your thoughts! I'm always open to feedback, it's how we improve as writers.